The GOP Bracket

The Republican Presidential field now consists of 16 candidates - 14 announced, 2 expected to announce very soon. My gambling antennae went up almost immediately, because that sounds like a bracket to me. I actually thought about the seedings for a while, which is unusual, because I usually just fire from the hip. In large part, this commentary is completely ill-informed and likely has no basis in reality, but with 17 months until the actual election, I find myself both bored with the whole thing and eagerly anticipating the prospect of betting on these things.

Here's the bracket - commentary on the first-round matchups is below the bracket.



1 Bush vs. 16 Carson - I've never even heard of this Carson guy. Bush has too much money to worry about putting the first team in for this one. It will be over about 10 minutes after it starts.

8 Rubio vs. 9 Jindal - One is darker than the other. One of them is better at speaking. That's pretty much the difference that I can detect during all 30 seconds that I spent thinking / researching this matchup. It doesn't matter, because whoever wins will get destroyed in the second round by Bush.

4 Walker vs. 13 Pataki - I can't honestly say that I know anything about either of them, other than that Walker caused a whole lot of union types to decide to camp out in the Wisconsin capital, and a whole bunch of Democratic representatives to flee across the border. You have to like a candidate that can engender that kind of revulsion amongst the other side. Pataki's main claim is that I think I once saw him on an episode of Law & Order.

5 Perry vs. 12 Trump - As everyone knows, the 5-12 matchup is where you look for upsets. Perry is probably better organized, with actual adherents. Trump is the wild card, blinding everyone with his (admittedly) glorious hair while saying things that many GOP voters (don't argue with me, I know enough of them, and used to be one of them) think but do not say out loud.

2 Christie vs. 15 Fiorina - They had to let at least one female into the pool, despite the fact that a lot of GOP types are still silently resenting the fact that women are allowed to vote. Or to drive. Or to own property.

7 Cruz vs. 10 Kasich - Kasich ran the GOP side of the House Budget when the other Clinton was in the White House, and so was involved in helping to eliminate the deficit during the late 90's. This is a good thing. I have no idea what he's been doing since then. Cruz is a favorite of the Tea Party types. This one could go either way.

3 Paul vs 14 Graham - Rand Paul makes statements rooted in his libertarian leanings. Lindsey Graham, in response to the Hillary email server problem, has publicly stated that he has never used email. It's 2015. Choose wisely.

11 Santorum vs. 6 Huckabee - One has the product of a sexual act named after him. One has said things like "Jesus is crying today" after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act for being discriminatory, and after the recent decision that marriage is legal for everyone, regardless of gender, said "I will not acquiesce to an imperial court any more than our Founders acquiesced to an imperial British monarch. We must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat."

My only question is if Costco will place a limit on the amount of popcorn that I can buy at one time.